Yep, It's All MY Fault!

I recently received an email from a friend. In this email, all she said was that she was having a lot of emotional trauma, but she wanted me to know she was thinking of me and was sure my life was great. That really ticked me off! It isn't the first time she and others have commented on my seemingly "perfect" life. Once, after soliciting marital advice, she remarked, "What do you know, you have a perfect marriage!" Well, I have a really good marriage, but nothing is "perfect". Since I have a good marriage, don't you think I know a little something about making a relationship work? Often, these people have been the types to talk and talk, rant and rave about their own miserable circumstances so much, that I could hardly get a word in edgewise. Yep, your life sucks and it's all my fault!

Here's the thing we all have to consider:CHOICES! Everything in life boils down to choices. First, I really considered the type of man I wanted to marry. This is one of the most important choices. I have discussed this with my son from an early age. He is a teenager now, but still listens and participates in this discussion with me. We talk about dating and marrying someone who has the same values as he does. We talk about commitment and how important it is. It is important to arm our kids with truthful information about drugs, sex, and rock-n-roll, but I think open discussion about types of people and the same values is also important. We also talk a lot about working things out, communication, commitment, the right person.

The thing is that I didn't always have a good marriage. The early years were sheer hell from the "I do". We loved each other, but did not know how to communicate other than yelling and blaming. We had a child within the first two years, stacks of bills we couldn't pay, we were living off Ramen, red beans, and mac-n-cheese, had in-law problems on both sides, my husband's job was very stressful. When there was nothing left, there remained commitment on both sides. Neither of us believed in divorce. Neither of us were selfish enough to move on and leave a child in the middle of our problems to suffer through custody and child support arrangements. We both knew what we wanted, but we didn't know how to get it. We agreed to find out, no matter what. We talked a lot about how we SHOULD be settling things, we went to marriage counseling. We worked hard at learning from our mistakes and learning to really listen to the other person. We worked hard at letting go of the other person's past mistakes and dealing with the issue at hand. We walked through fire trying to take responsibility for our own actions, words, and choices. It was hard, it was heart wrenching, it took a long time, but it was worth it. It's not perfect now. It is still a work in progress, but our relationship is happy, solid. Life is a learning process. You can decide to learn, change, and grow, or you can whine, bitch, and moan. I'm glad that I had enough foresight to marry someone who was willing to learn, grow, and change along with me, someone I can say anything to, someone who would be willing to work things out and not just get a divorce, who also could look at how choices always come with consequences and decide what consequences he would not want to live with.

As far as raising our son is concerned, I believe in lovingly disciplining him. Discipline as defined as teaching. In everything there is a choice. Think about consequences, good and bad, before you make it. Whatever decision you make, you own the events that follow. Don't complain if you are miserable, make choices to improve your situation. I believe in talking about everything. I believe in prayer. I have prayed since I found out I was pregnant for God to create a special person for my child to marry that will love him, be committed, and share his values. When the teen years really set in and my son may not be listening, I know that God still will be.

When you look at someone with a "misery loves company" mentality, or "green-eyed monster"-like jealousy, just remember that you don't know all they have been through. Maybe you should stop bitching and listen for what you could learn. Maybe you should try looking at your own choices and see where you can make changes to improve your life. Stop blaming other people for your circumstances. Make better choices. People have a hard time taking responsibility for their own lives. It is so much easier to blame others for the misery then to take ownership in what we do to cause or perpetuate the problems. Yep, I guess it's my fault that you aren't willing to work on your own life. I guess it's my fault your marriage is in the hole. I guess you want me to apologize to you for working on my life to make it better, when you won't work on your own. Well, keep waiting for that apology, and if YOU CHOOSE to stay miserable, keep it to yourself and don't blame me!